Are You Prepared For Marriage?

….Hey….it’s me…I was thinking…Oh I’m sorry…Here’s an invitation to what I’ve been wondering about lately. Welcome to my thoughts…..I was looking back at my life and to be quite honest I’ve been blessed…I have accomplished some of what I wanted at stage in my life. I love God with all my heart, I got an education, I have a career that I love, and a great place to work. I’m healthy, my family is with me and I have real true friends.

I was thinking about how I got it all. What did I do to get it all? I realized that for the most part I prayed and then got myself prepared for each step I took. When I finished high school I knew I wanted to go to college so I got prepared and made a list of schools I wanted then applied and don’t forgot that I prayed along the entire process. When I went to class, I learned the material and went home to go back over everything so that I’d be prepared for the exams. I got myself ready, I studied, I researched what I didn’t really know or understand. Well lets keep going…I promise you that I’m getting somewhere with this……I knew I wanted to buy a car someday but first I needed to learn how to drive!! I needed to get ready to get on the road before I could officially call myself a driver. I did a lot of praying because I was really afraid of driving my car on NYC streets. These were all challenges. Yet I prayed and God helped me during each phase.

The more I thought about it, the more I realized that I did something to prepare myself for the unknown. For college, for those exams, for that road test, for my monetary investment and read my bible to develop my spiritual life. So then I started to wonder…I wondered about the other things I’d like to see happen in my future…marriage…kids…however I began to realize when it comes to something as big as marriage that people aren’t getting themselves prepared. Something that will affect the rest of your life. Something so complicated as falling in love and staying together. Now I used the word complicated because it’s just that…Love and developing a relationship is hard work. Marriage is about two people becoming one. Have you ever wondered about what it would be like to take a course on marriage before you jumped the broom. I know you can’t know everything, but maybe…just maybe you could do some research, speak to a few married or divorce couples just to get some insight about the idea of happily ever after (if that is even at all possible cause living in today’s age is no fairytale)

How amazing would it be to know what pitfalls to avoid before you get to them before you get married? How to resolve issues? How to communicate your feelings? Isn’t it ironic that people get themselves prepared in one way or another for a lot of things in life but they don’t get prepared or try to figure out what it would take to have a successful marriage….?

If marriage is something your heart desires is there really anyway to get yourself prepared (and I’m not talking about when you are engaged already…way before that?)

I also ask you this…..

Do you feel like there is a way to get yourself prepared and if so what would you be willing to do to prepare for it? Have you done anything so far? If so what was it?

Why is it that with everything else we are ready to do the research to get ourselves prepared for the unknown…but we often walk into marriage thinking we can take a crash course at the alter?

What Do Women Want In A Man?

Hey Everyone,

Happy New Year!!! I hope that everyone is doing well and if this is the first time you are reading my blog Welcome!

This post will be a little different. I recently had a conversation with a friend of mine as he asked me where all the educated woman are hiding. lol We also dicussed what he would have to offer an educated independent woman and what those woman want. So I emailed him this response. Enjoy the read!

What Independent Successful Black Women want? (I said black because that's what he's looking for)

Now not every single woman wants what I am about to tell you, but I know that both men and women have a desire for companionship. Whether if it’s through a romantic relationship, a platonic one or with family. People need people.Now woman are all very different and their past can certainly shape how they view men. But the honest woman who wants someone they want a real relationship with, that have worked hard on getting themselves an education, a job and is holding themselves down..or maybe they don't have education but they have a plan to do better and be better..these type of women want these things...Now this quote was written by a guy (a friend of my sister) who has a good idea that men can provide much more than money, because a successful woman is already taking care of herself financially.

"My role as a man would involve a vision for the relationship which would look like this…I would be a support emotionally by creating a place that is safe for her to be herself, to offer compassion and understanding and support in the whatever day to day challenges that arise. My role would be to offer companionship and shared reality and interests. My role would be to offer quality time and comfort and an encouraging voice. My role would be to find ways to help her flourish and wake up to even more of the genius part inside her."

What I like about this response is that it shows that independent women want a man to love her inside and outside. We want someone who really..truly have our best interest at heart. Someone who we can call our man and our friend. We want to be able to feel vulnerable and safe around you. Men have a way of providing a sense of security when you know that they will take care of a situation making wise and sound decisions that demonstrate that they are thinking about what you would want.

We want a man who is taking care of business by taking good care of himself, yet can anticipate a woman's needs as well. Women also want someone they can trust. A man who is consistent in keeping his word, actions matching up with his words, and admitting when he has done something wrong or needs help when its clear that the situation is beyond his level of expertise

Women want to know that when the bottom falls out you will be concerned and willing to provide emotional support. Men aren’t necessarily emotional by nature, but when you care about a woman you should be watching to find out what will make her feel better (e.g an embrace, a listening ear while she complains) it may not be one thing, it could be a combination of things but the key is to care enough to figure out how to make that woman feel better. Women also want to feel appreciated for the things that they do for their man.

Now you don’t give every woman you meet all these things automatically. You need to find out if she's a real woman of character who also has your best interest at heart. Someone who is willingly to support you, and care about you. Her actions and words will speak volumes as you get to know her. You give your attention to the woman who is interested in giving you 110%. Then you can give her your 110% also. Don’t expect more than you have to offer because it’s not a fair deal. Don’t date someone who gives less than you have to offer because then you'll get hurt and frustrated.

Well that's it I guess. Some of this stuff may be old news and other stuff you may not usually put into practice with someone who is giving you a 110%. And maybe you're not at a time in your life where you feel you want to do any of it. But a lot of great independent woman want great men in their lives....Hope this helps..if not send this to the clueless brotha lol

Ladies if you have anything else you'd like to add feel free to post a coment. Men if any thoughts feel free to comment also!

Thanks for stopping by and reading!

Just_Wondering

How do I know he loves me? Does she love me? What is Love? Is it True Love?

Have you ever started out in a relationship with someone and wonder when you will know it’s really love? How do you know if that woman or man loves you? Do you even know what true love is really like? These are some of the questions I think most of us wonder about when we start dating someone and it’s going well after a few months. I know it’s something that I had to find out. I’ll be honest with you (yeah you reading this post lol) I'm not the type of girl that just falls in and out of Love. My definition of Love transcends those butterfly feelings that one gets when they spend quality time with the person they are dating. So I wanted to know in my heart and in my mind a way I could know that what I had with my guy was real. Here's my definition of Love and how most people get caught up in what they think is Love. Hey, it may just help you to figure out if your girlfriend/boyfriend really does Love you or if you really love that person also.

What I hope to accomplish my the end of this Love Post lol is to

(a) Define Love, (b)Knowing what isn’t Love, (c)How do you know when you’re in love?

Ok I would like to begin by saying that I’m no expert. I think that Love is wonderful and we all long to be in a relationship that will bring us joy even when things get tough. However, I feel like a lot of us run around wanting to be loved and we tend to get ourselves into relationships that end up hurting us or someone else. Sometimes we carry some of the hurt, and pain into our next relationship and it becomes a vicious cycle.

Why don’t we start off with defining love? I went online and looked up love on a dictionary website (dictionary.com) and this is what it said:

Love: [luhv](n)
1. a profoundly tender, passionate affection for another person.
2. a feeling of warm personal attachment or deep affection, as for a parent, child, or friend.
3. sexual intercourse or sexual passion
4. a personification of sexual affection
5. to embrace and kiss (someone), as a lover.
6. affectionate concern for the well-being of others: the love of one's neighbor.
7.the benevolent affection of God for His creatures, or the reverent affection due from them to God

I don’t know about you but I thought this list was rather fascinating. So why don’t we play a little game on how love is defined by saying Love equals (=) and add that definition above

Love=Passionate Affection, affection is a feeling
Love=Feeling attachment/affection aka feelings again
Love=Sex
Love=Sex
Love=Hugging and Kissing
Love=Concern for others (feelings of affection with action) loving your neighbor
Love=Comes from God that He gives and we return to him.

WOW what a list right. Ok the first two have to do with feelings and next three are physical and the last two essentially have something to do with God.

I don’t know about you, but if I had to use 1-5 to figure out if my man loves me based on just feelings he says he has then everyone is in Love lol People can say that they love you but it may not be true. A lot of people can feel affection because you are attracted to that person. But is that really love? As for sex, well we know tons of people have sex for a lot of reasons and many don’t even claim to love the person they are having sex with. So I’m not convinced that love is sex, hugs, and kisses. All that can possibly come from the attraction you physically feel when you are with or thinking about the person which isn’t love.

Now we’re left with the last two options. Ok you may not be a person who believes in God. However, since this definition mentions God I think it would be worth it to glance at the Bible to find out what love is. The Bible says that God is Love. He is the author of love. So if you want to know what Love is all about you’d have to find out who God is and you can definitely read about God in the Bible which I call God's Love Letter (click there for my previous post)

Love is defined in the Bible as the following in 1Corinthians13:4

Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres. Love never fails.

The description perfectly fits God's love toward us, and should be the way we love each other and God. What I noticed about this definition is that there’s no mention of physical attraction, sex, or having passionate feelings. If not those things, then what does it say love is supposed to be like.

Love=Patience, Kindness these are not things that you feel, but things that you see that the person is exhibiting through actions.

Love=Rejoices in Truth which means that if someone says something and you can see through actual evidence that it is true then that’s an indication of Love on their part

Love=Always Protects, Trusts, Hopes Perseveres, Never Fails

I know that we are not perfect people. No one can perfectly meet everything on this list without God helping us to do so since he is the author of love. However, if you are trying to figure out if you love someone or if that someone loves you. Please PLEASE PLEASE look at their actions. See if what they say matches up with what they DO. Actions speak louder than words. I am not saying that words don’t speak loud..lol But Actions speak LoudER!

So if you want to know if you are in love. Don’t depend on sex, passionate feelings or attachment to someone because that stuff can only entertain you for maybe 3months, 6months, maybe a year. But you will know if it’s love if both of you tell each other the truth, you will trust each other, you both will be patient and kind, you will want to protect each other from all kinds of hurt meaning you feel hurt when they get hurt, and it’ll be something that you hope will go through the test of time (perseveres.) Only time will tell you all these things so don’t rush into anything. If it’s true love then you’ll get through hardships, trials, or tough times together because you want the love that doesn’t give up and never fails.

Before I wrap up I also want to point out what LOVE IS NOT (≠) according to the author of Love (God).

Love ≠ does not envy- being envious means that someone can be jealous, spiteful, resentful towards you

Love ≠ does not boast- being boastful means that you’re showing off things about yourself, and saying all you have to offer all the time

Love ≠is not proud aka prideful- is also connected to boasting about yourself, pumping yourself up or telling that person they are lucky to have them in your life

Love ≠ is not rude- we all know what being rude is which is being discourteous, impolite, vulgar, offensive, having no manners towards you

Love ≠is not self-seeking- only looking out for yourself love is about looking outside of yourself and looking out for someone else.

Love ≠is not easily angered- meaning getting upset very very quickly. It doesn’t say you can’t get upset. It says that you don’t get mad at the drop of a dime.

Love ≠no record of wrongs- You shouldn’t have a long list of things he/she has done wrong and throwing that stuff in their face. Love is about true forgiveness. If you can’t forgive then you don’t love the person or vice versa.

Love ≠ does not delight in evil- that means anyone who is hurting you physically, emotionally, mentally that is not love its being evil or wicked. Love is not supposed to HURT!!

So there you have it Ladies and Gentlemen. There’s your checklist that I hope you can use. Write it down on a piece of paper. Watch the actions of the person you are dating and see if it matches up. Oh and don’t forget to use the checklist to figure out if you love that person based on your actions after you have spent some serious time with that person. Sure you can have sexual attraction, you can have butterflys, you can certainly have a great time hugging and kissing. Those things are fleeting. But when you have a problem will sex, butterflys and empty words of affection really be there for you. Maybe for a short while you think it can help you forget the problem. However, if you are interested in true love that comes from the author of Love (God) I think you’ll have a better chance of having a wonderful relationship that will last for a long time. Sure it will be work. I never said it would be easy…But love is definitely worth it..If its real love.

I hope this helps and that God will teach you the love He has so that you can demonstrate that to someone else. Ask him, he’s always there to listen.

Thanks for reading!!

Just_Wondering

Is it Love? Part 2

Claire walked out of the office building where she worked in a daze. She could not believe what just happened. She got laid off. When her supervisor called her into his office, she thought he wanted to discuss a new project that he proposed during the last staff meeting. However, as he told her that the company needed downsizing due to product sales going down causing him to make some cuts from staff. After those words reached her ears, she could only see his lips moving in disbelief. How could this happen during a time in which she had so many financial responsibilities? How was she going to pay for her rent, car note, electric/cell/gas bill, student loans that seemed never ending and the good ole cable bill?

As she rode the train home to her apartment in Corona, Claire started to worry. Tears started to stream down her face as she began to ponder on what she was supposed to do now that her back was up against the wall. As she cried, she said a silent prayer to God saying how she needed Him to come quickly to comfort and help direct her steps as she did not know what she would do to keep her head above water. Claire reached into her bag for a tissue wiping away her tears. She suddenly realized that people around her may be wondering why she was so distraught. Her stop came. She rose from her seat and got out of the train station. As she walked home she called her mother, sister, best friend and told them what happened. They said some encouraging words which brought her some comfort. When she got home, she said another prayer as she crawled into her bed hoping that this would all go away.

A few hours had passed as Claire’s cell phone rang on her night stand. She looked at the phone and saw that it was one of her favorite people to speak with. Her highlight…His name was Daniel Earton… In that moment, Claire really did not feel like talking. So she ignored the call and let it go to voicemail. She pulled the covers over her shoulders and went back to sleep.

Daniel had been emailing Claire from work as they often communicated via the internet throughout the day. However, for some reason the emails stopped around 10:30am. He was somewhat puzzled wondering if he had said something wrong to have upset her, but his last few responses could only bring a smile to her face. He was called into a meeting and it ran a lot longer than expected. When he returned to his desk and checked his email, she had not responded all day. He started to become concerned and called her job and they said that she had left early for the day. So Daniel called her on his way to the parking lot and when she didn’t answer he said, “Hey Sweety, I noticed that you haven’t returned my emails today and when I called your office they said that you went home early. Is everything ok? Please call me, ok Babe..bye”

Daniel had a long drive home and as he pulled into his driveway all he could think about was Claire. He wondered why she had not called back by now. He tried calling her again only to find that it went straight to voicemail. Although, he lived 45mins away from her, he pulled right back out and headed towards her apartment complex. As he rang the doorbell he was hoping that his girl was ok.

Claire heard the doorbell ring, but she didn’t want to get up even though she knew she had to. She was thinking it was her sister stopping by to check up on her. But when Claire opened the door…It was Daniel.

Daniel took one look at Claire and new something was not right. Not only was Claire’s hair disheveled but judging from the wrinkles in her clothing, it was obvious that she didn’t bother to change before lying down. What gave her state of mind away were her sad eyes. Those are not the eyes that he was used to staring into.

“Claire what’s wrong? Tell me what happened?”

Claire walked away from him without responding and left the door open for him to enter the living room. She sat down on the couch as a flood of feelings began to invade her entire body. She started to cry. Daniel closed the door and when he heard her crying he felt paralyzed for a few seconds. He had never seen Claire like this before and immediately went to hold her while she cried on his shoulder. Claire didn’t have the words to explain and she felt helpless in his arms. After a couple of minutes she, told him what happened.

Daniel began to reassure her that things would be okay, and that she had to have faith that everything was going to turn around. For the next three months, Daniel did everything he could to help Claire get through this trial. He came over at least twice a week after work helping Claire figure out her finances so that she could pay for all her bills. Daniel helped her fix up her resume and spent time referring her to websites that listed openings in her field. They even did some mock interviews as she had not been on an interview for the past 5 years and felt nervous. He knew that she was smart, and determined to find another position as she spent hours online looking for a job. She was going to job fairs and even got dressed up to drop her resume at a couple of companies.

It took six months before she landed a position at a prestigious company in the city. When she got the call from the HR department that she got the position she said a prayer of thanksgiving. Not only did she land a new job but she was going to be making ten thousand dollars more than she was making at her old job. She immediately called her sister and mother. She decided to hold off on calling Daniel as he was headed over to her apartment to drop off some job listing information she left at his house.

As she got some dinner ready for the both of them, she began to remember what it had felt like to lose her job and how she was able to make ends meet during the past six months. It was a miracle. Then she realized how much time Daniel had dedicated to supporting and helping her throughout the entire process and she was moved to tears.

Daniel rang the doorbell and when Claire opened the door, she saw her eyes. They seemed to light up and it’s something he had in a while. He missed them so much. She smiled and said “I GOT THE JOB!!!!” He rushed to embrace her and lifted her off her feet and said “YESSSSS!! I’m so happy for you baby!!” as he silently thanked God in his heart.

So I ask you this, Is this Love? If so, how do you know? If not, tell me why not?

Thanks for Reading…

Just_Wondering

Is it Love? Part 1

As Sheila placed her head on her pillow she closed her eyes thinking about the events of her day. Some parts seemed to flash forward and other thoughts lingered on the very moments that she knew she would never forget. You see Sheila had woken up that morning from that same bed anticipating the events of the day. Maybe to you it wasn't very interesting, but to her there was one highlight that made her feel like the bubbles in a champagne bottle right before the cork is released. That feeling..you know...that excitement that you can't quite describe. Well Sheila couldn't wait to get started. She hopped in the shower, “lotioned up” and then moved along her morning routine of unraveling her hair so each roller would reveal an array of perfect curls. After she got dressed she knew she was on her way to having a perfect day.

Sheila's doorbell rang thirty minutes after she finished getting ready. She felt flustered. A warm feeling of joy filled her as she opened the door. This was one moment where she lingered on in her memory that night. Her highlight had come. His name was James, James Cadet.

James saw Sheila and couldn't help but smile after she had opened the door. He wondered what was it about this woman that made him feel like nothing could possibly ruin his day as long as she was in his presence.

He said, “Hey, I came to pick up my girl Sheila, I know this is her house but I think I'm looking at someone who looks better then her. Forget Sheila, what's your name?”

As James said this to Sheila, he waited for that moment. It’s that moment when he knows her eyes will light up and the beauty of her smile seems to always be one of the bests things to see every single time he's with her. Sheila swats him on the arm and looks up into his eyes as she receives a kiss and a warm embrace. Sheila still cannot get over how good it feels to be held by him. James envelopes her body knowing just how good she feels and smells every time he goes in for a hug.

The events of the next few hours seemed to flash forward as they left Sheila's house and headed towards the apple orchard. Sheila had never been apple picking as she was a bonafide city girl. However, when James suggested this to her, she thought it was a wonderful idea.As Sheila begins to close her eyes that night her thoughts lingered on her favorite bits and pieces of her experience. James teasing her as she tried to reach an apple and realized she couldn't do it.

“Dag Sheila you have some serious height issues going on there. It’s a good thing you're dating a tall brother like me or you'd be going home with 2-3 apples in you bag!!”

She started laughing, demanded his help as he reached over and grabbed several apples from the tree. She remembered moments like him grabbing her hand as they moved along deeper in the orchard. The way he laughed when she was trying to be serious and he would try to break her concentration by saying something funny. The way he would look at her intently as she told a story from her past.

James loved to watch her facial expressions whenever they were having a conversation. He was guilty of taking in her beauty as she spoke, however he knew if he lingered to long he'd miss out on what she was saying. He felt amazing when she would occasionally stop and realize they weren't holding hands and she'd reach out and grab his.

James kisses Shelia goodbye, gets one more whiff of her hair during an extended hug and tells her “Goodnight, Lelia” and walks to his car to drive home. As they both get ready for bed, as Shelia drifts off to sleep their thoughts lead to this...I think its Love…

Do you think they are in Love? How do you know when you're in Love?

What's Your Status- Can Facebook Ruin Your Relationship?

Over the past few years Facebook has become a huge hit. I mean who knew that one site could connect you with so many different people from my past and present. I’ll be honest and say that I held out from joining for a very long time, but I made the plunge a few months ago and felt amazed at just how many people you can befriend and how you can find out what people are doing. It can be addicting to say the least. I am a very private person so I’ve been able to keep my friends list within the 30-40 range. Lol However, I’m starting to realize how Facebook can really affect dating/relationships. It can really lead couples onto the path of breaking up really quickly.

A couple of issues the website is that Facebook allows everyone on your friends list to know what you are doing from the friends you have befriended, the pictures you post, to the events you plan to go to. Men and Women who are in a relationship can easily catch you in a lie! If you said you were doing one thing one night, Facebook does a good job of documenting your every move.

A dear friend of mine reconnected with a guy from her past and they chatted on the phone which led him to ask her out on a date. He cancelled the date because he said he was sick. Two days later my friend logs onto Facebook only to find that he updated his profile to say he was in a relationship!! How upsetting was that!!!

What if you start dating a guy and you two get to the boyfriend girlfriend stage in your relationship and you change your status to say that you are but the person you are dating keeps theirs listed as single. What do you do? What if you are in a committed relationship and you notice that your girl/guy has all kinds of flirty messages from others on their wall. What if an old girlfriend/boyfriend posted some really interesting pictures revealing things that you did in the past that you don’t do anymore? How do you avoid some of these pitfalls?

Well here are some tips that I have come up with that may ease some of the drama that Facebook can cause in your relationship.

1- Talk It Over- If you are in a serious relationship and both of you have Facebook, take the time to talk about how you would want that person to conduct themselves on the site in terms of boundaries. Come up with middle ground that both of you will be comfortable with. It sounds crazy but it can save you from future arguments.

2- What’s Your Relationship Status?- It is important to decide what your relationship status will be on Facebook. Do you want both of you to say you are in a relationship with each other, do you just want to keep it neutral by just stating “relationship” without saying with whom, or do you want to leave that part out of both profiles and to leave if up to each of you to inform everyone that I have a man/girl. You do all these things so that you don’t end up hurting that person’s feelings consciously or unconsciously.

3- “Friends” from the Past- Discuss what you would want the person to do when someone from the past contacts you that you know you had a relationship with or had an interest in you. How about if that person asks to reunite over lunch/dinner? How would you want your girlfriend/boyfriend to deal with it? Be open and talk about these things. Communication is the key. Otherwise your boyfriend/girlfriend may assume you’ll be okay with their decision to befriend someone.

4- Level of Privacy- Talk about how much of your business you would want reported on the site (e.g. Me and my boyfriend are going out to eat at Negrils Restaurant tonight) I mean how open are the both of you about telling others your plans from dates to future. You never know old flames may be waiting for you at the bar/restaurant hoping to “cross paths” with either of you. Lol You also want to discuss whether or not you want to post pictures of you two together?

5- Honesty- Honesty plays a big role in any relationship. However, you should try to be very clear and upfront about the time you spend away from your mate. Facebook can send you to break up land in two seconds if your boyfriend/girlfriend finds out you lied about being somewhere when you really were not.

6- Comments- The comments you make on others pages can get you into serious trouble. So watch please watch what you say.

I personally think that Facebook is good and bad. Good in a sense that you can keep in touch with friends but bad in a sense that it can get you into lots of trouble while you are in a serious relationship or at least headed in that direction. If you notice how Facebook is taking a negative toll on your budding or well established relationship, talk to your mate and see if you can solve the issue before it gets much worst. It’s worth it to have an open discussion about it. Do not let Facebook ruin what you have going in your love life.

Have you experienced any issues in your relationship because of Facebook?

Please Share by making a comment! Thanks for Reading!

Breaking up: Was It For the Wrong or Right Reasons?

Hey There,

Everyone knows that developing a relationship and keeping it going is very difficult. Some days are blissful, other days there are misunderstandings, and then there are times where you feel like something died in the relationship and you just don't know how you are going to fix it. However, if you really love that person and you are interested in making things work you can have something solid.

One of my sisters said something funny the other day about why it has to be so hard to find someone and how that part of our lives can be quite a challenge. Sometimes you do feel like its a game that you either win or you keep losing. Well I want to talk about the times when you feel like you lose. Picture this scenerio.......

Kevin is his name. He's smart, good personality, sense of humor, he makes and effort to call, sets up dates, he shows a vested interest in you. Oh, lets not forget that he's great on paper too (e.g. job, house, education) He is what I would call the the great guy...Kevin is doing everything to show you he's worth a second look.

Valerie meets Kevin and she says yes when he asks her out. She goes on a few dates with him...and you know what...he's doing everything right. He's a great guy. But Valerie doesn't seem to be into him...She doesn't feel that physical attraction..So she breaks up with him...A few months later she realizes that she tends to choose the men that are what I'd call players/pretty boys...Men that will often play with your heart and leave it laying on the streets to get run over. The ones that show interest because they want one thing.

Have you ever thought of the woman or that man who you encountered in your life that you let walk out of your life because you didn't take a closer look or you let something good go for some reason that seems ridiculous now...Whether it was a couple of dates/months/year you look back and now you're beating yourself up wishing you had a second chance.

If this happened to you....why did you let them go?

I was Just...Wondering about it...

Interracial Dating...How White Men Feel About Dating Black Women

Hey Everyone,

I recently enjoyed a nice vacation in Miami, Fl with my sisters and we had the chance to discuss an array of topics. One of those topics happen to be interracial dating. We asked each other how open are we about dating Caucasian men. We all agreed that we would prefer an African American male but are these Caucasian men looking to date a Black women. Finding a good Black man these days seems to be harder and harder. African American women are waiting for their Chocolate Skinned Prince Charming lol So maybe Black women need to take a look outside of the box and see what White men think about dating African American woman. Since I love to ask questions, I did a little survey and here are some of the responses I received. I will post more as the responses roll in. But before you read them...Tell me your thoughts about dating Caucasian men if you are an African American Woman. If you are a Caucasian male, please leave a comment also. Anyone is welcome to tell me what is on their mind.

My questions are as follows as my own personal survey:

1- Age, Location

2- When you're out and about, do you take notice of African American women that you find attractive?

3- Would you ever consider consider dating an African American woman? Why? Why Not? What are your reservations about doing it?

4- When do you come across with African American women what is your impression of them as someone of the opposite sex?

5-Do you ever think that African American woman are checking you out?

6- If you have dated an African American woman tell me what that experience was like?

Response #1

LOL well you went and asked the right person these questions …YES I'M Caucasian....
I happen to be partners in a women's swimwear line with an African American female designer so I know a great deal about Black women and only date black women. So I'll try to do your questions by number.

1. I'm 46 and live in Howard Beach Queens

2. Yes I can't keep my eyes off African American women they are absolutely beautiful My ideal woman is about 5'6 125/135 lbs long black hair with a great smile.

3. I recently got out of a relationship with a beautiful young 28 year old lady from Jamaica she was a nursing student here and upon graduating she wanted to return to Boston to be a nurse at a hospital there where her mom was a head nurse so with great difficulty we split up..Of course its more complicated but I’m not going to bore you with all the details ...

4.My impression of them is that they are very down to earth and honest you usually know where you stand I personally love sassy women..

5.Yes at times in certain places i notice some black women check me out especially at the fashion shows we attend..

6. In my lifetime I've dated 5 African American women and I can not say a bad word about any of them they were all unique and fantastic...

Response #2

Well I found your post very interesting, and I would love to hear the responses you get. Either way, here are mine:
1- Age, Location
35 - Huntington, NY

2- When you're out and about, do you take notice of African American women that you find attractive?
Absolutely. Things I notice most, regardless of skin color, are eyes, hair, and smile (if I am lucky enough to get one )

3- Would you ever consider dating an African American woman? Why? Why Not? What are your reservations about doing it?

Yes. The things that are most important, are chemistry and personality. What makes a woman attractive is how she carries herself, and what keeps me anyway is intelligence and humor.

4- When do you come across with African American woman what is your impression of them as someone of the opposite sex?
The same as any other member of the opposite sex. If they are pretty, I look for a smile and see if they make
eye contact
5-Do you ever think that African American woman are checking you out?
Sometimes.

6- If you have dated an African American woman tell me what that experience was like?
I have not, my aunt (adopted) and my cousin are african american though. Growing up I always thought they were the most beautiful women I had ever seen. I never really thought anything about it. I guess I grew somewhat sheltered. My cousin is brilliant, and an accomplished ballerina. They both have a grace about them that I have always admired.

Response #3

I'm a 50-year old man on the upper west side of Manhattan. When I'm out, I do indeed notice African American women. In fact, I personally find them extremely attractive and sexy, perhaps more so than Caucasian women. I have no compunctions about dating African American women -- and, in fact, have done so in the past: I have had two black girlfriends, both of whom were wonderful and exciting women; we had lots of common interests I'm not certain that black women are checking me out more than white women would, but I’m sure they have --especially when I am checking them out..

I just wanted to post these three responses for now as I hope to receive a few more that have more lenghty responses. Don't worry ladies and gents I will certianly get some responses from younger age ranges lol It's interesting to hear what the older crowd thinks because interracial dating wasn't as "acceptable." Overall all, every male who responded to the survey are definately interested in dating African American women. However, I'm sure there are a few who think otherwise...I'll be sure to report what I find ok.

Please share your experiences and thoughts on interracial dating!! Have you done it? What led you to date someone from that racial group? Would you consider doing it? Why? Or Why Not?

Thanks for Reading!

Just_Wondering

The Other Woman

As Brittney and Kevin arrived at the restaurant, Brittney was really excited about spending time with this amazing man she had met six months ago. Things have been going extremely well and he seemed to be such a great match for her. The only thing that she just can’t get past is Kevin’s friendship with this woman who has been in his life for the last 5 years. They’ve always been very close, and Kevin has assured her that there is certainly nothing going on between them. However, she can’t help but think if there’s more hidden under the surface. Is it really possible for them to talk and have spent all this time together without there being any sparks flying? It’s not something she dwells on, but from time to time when he makes references to her during conversations she can’t help but think about it. They even spend more than 45mins chatting on the phone. Is it fair to ask him to limit the time he spends with her if they have been dating exclusively?


Are her concerns valid?

What do you think she should do?


Kevin has been dating this wonderful sexy woman for the past six months and has to admit that things have been going well. The only thing that he notices is that she tends to either get a bit quiet or changes the subject whenever he mentions his friend Sandra. Now Sandra has been his friend for quite sometime and many say that women and men can’t be friends but nothing has ever happened between them and he doesn’t want to ignore or throw away the friendship he has with her just because he’s with Brittney now. If anything, Sandra helps him whenever he may have an issue with Brittney and she gives him a wealth of great advice on a lot of life’s challenges. Sandra has helped him get through some tough times in his life and he appreciates her friendship. Kevin doesn’t think that anything should have to change when he has a girlfriend. Sandra is just a friend and that’s that…..

What would you do if you were Kevin?

Would you change anything?

Does anything have to change when you’re exclusively dating someone and you have friends of the opposite sex?

Thanks For Reading!! Please tell me your thoughts! :-D

Just_Wondering

Who do you run to in times of trouble?

Sometimes when people come to me for advice I try my best to listen to their situation and give them my honest opinion about what I think they should do or what I would do in their position. Being that I have friends from different cultural backgrounds and religious beliefs I try my best to be as open minded and respectful of where they may be operating from. But sometimes I tend to leave the conversation wanting to tell them the first thing I do when I have a problem whether big or small.

When I’m annoyed, when I’m pissed to high heaven, when I feel like no one really understands, when no one is listening (no I mean when they really aren’t), when I feel like I’m sad and nothing could lift my spirits, when I’m so hurt and I don’t want people to see me cry when I’m alone in my bed at night, when I’m disappointed, when I’m so confused and nothing seems to be going the way I thought it would….I pray…….

I pray to Almighty God and tell Him all my garbage and release all the weight I’ve been carrying around with me. It’s too darn hard having to worry about every single thing. When I’m stressed out I’m running all kinds or scenarios in my head trying to come up with a solution and then I come up empty. My head feels big and I feel like I’m out of control. I even have re-occurring dreams that usually demonstrate that I’m trying to take hold of a difficult situation and I JUST cant do it…I lose control. These are the feelings I’d get in the past and I’ve gotten much better as I gotten closer to God.

God and I… we’re like milk and cookies, the sun taking comfort in the sky, sand and the water, words on the pages of a book, a key to a lock! I’m going to stop there because I’m sure you get the point lol I don’t go anywhere without Him, I know he’s listening to me, we’ve had this love affair for quite some time and the bond we have is getting stronger and stronger as each day passes. Sometimes I get a little ahead of myself and think I could handle my issues on my own but then when the burden gets to heavy I drop that load of drama at his feet lol He knows just what to do with it. He has control over everything to do with me and the world around me. It makes me sleep better at night and I know things are being taken care of. I have faith….Faith in God is what gets me through the good times and the bad times.

So you see sometimes my first instinct is to tell someone to pray about their woes, their situation, or their sickness that seems to be too much to handle. I tell them what I do....I feel like when you pray God is already on the job even before you finish talking to him. It doesn’t even have to be something long and elaborate. You just have to believe that he’ll will come through for you and speak to him like you would your best friend. He wants people to run to him like a child who looks for comfort from a parent after falling down and getting hurt. So that’s what I do….But I realize that many people can’t fathom believing in someone that they can’t see. God doesn’t seem real to them or people are afraid of religion. Religion is really a topic people tend to stay away from.

So I wanted to ask everyone…

Do you find that talking about religion and your beliefs is taboo?

Why do you feel like it may be a topic that people don’t want to discuss?

Do you feel like there is power in prayer and that God will answer, or the idea of believing in God is ridiculous?

When you have a problem who do you turn to first? When you feel like you’re heart is heavy and you feel like no one would understand who can you possibly tell? Who do you turn to?

Same vs Different

Hello Everyone!

It's been a while since I've posted on my blog and I guess because I wanted a mini break! Hahahaha I also had a few things going on that needed more of my attention.

So I decided to do something quick and straight to the point so that you guys can get back into the feel of my blog here lol

So here's what I've been wondering about that I wanted to ask you all about. I was thinking about the people I find myself most attracted to when it comes to relationships. I thought to myself "Self, lol do I want a man who is similar to me in terms of interest and personality. Or am I more attracted to someone is different or should I say the opposite of who I am?" I mean really think about it. Based on the men/woman you've dated or who you find super attractive on the inside lol Is it based or similarities or differences?

Hit me up with some responses!

I'm happy to be getting back into the groove again. I hope people swing by like they used to hahahaha

PS: If you see any grammatical errors or misspelled words..Forgive Me! I'm posting from my phone ;-)

Just_Wondering

Measure of a Man Part 3

So I finally bring to you Part 3 of the Measure of a Man series. To do a litte recap Measure of a Man (MoM) Part 1 covered the idea of whether or not women's standards were too high or too low. In MoM Part 2, I asked everyone where does a man fit into an "independent woman's" life? I also asked the males what role they think they play in a woman's life.



As I received a lot of responses from females, I wanted to find out more about the male's perspective. So I interviewed 3 men within my social circle and posed the same questions I asked everyone to respond to. Below you will find their responses.I also asked about their role as a spiritual leader of the household as they all are Christians.

*Special Thanks To These Gentlemen For Allowing Me To Post Their Responses Thanks So Very Much For Being Open and Honest!!*

So please take some time to read and tell me your thoughts about:

Mr. Realistic, Mr. Average Joe, Mr. Ambitious

I think that most independent woman have set their standards too high. They fail to aim for realistic expectations. I say this because I feel that although they want this charming, sexy, articulate man with a job, along with all these other great qualities, in the end they don’t in fact posses a lot of those same qualities. Simply put, I think that the things on her list needs to be things she possesses. If she has any shortcomings, than he is allowed to have them as well. For example, if a “white collar” woman dates a “blue collar” man, she has to remember that this is the man she chose to be with. If he desires to get to that “white collar” status, it must be on his on accord not because of the pressures from a nagging wife/girlfriend. I feel like that woman is only trying to satisfy her own selfish ambitions. Some woman always seem to want more…..they aren’t satisfied with what they have because they have climbed up the success ladder.

Some of the things that I feel I can offer to an independent woman include spirituality, my education, someone with a job, compassion, patience, laughter, and another perspective to life and it challenges. What a man can offer is dependent on what he actually has within himself. You can’t give what you do not posses. What I have to offer also depends on the woman’s moral compass.

I understand my role as a spiritual leader mostly in theory as I have little to no practice with the knowledge that I have acquired. My theories need to be put into practice in order for me to become a valuable candidate for my prospective mate. I feel that being the head of the household encompasses spiritual, social, and economical aspects. Most men focus on the monetary aspect of providing however, God wants the man to be mindful of his spiritual life along with his family then the other necessities will be fulfilled. The real question that most men should ask themselves is, “What role does God play in your life and does God have an active influence on the decisions you make ?"

I don’t think it’s a question of standards being too high or too low…..I think that people (Christians) are moving away from God and are putting what they see in the world above what God thinks they actually deserve. Sometimes what you think you should have is not really want you need. God knows what you need, so He will give you what you deserve.

I understand my role as head of the household and I know that it does not only have the main focus on providing financially. If you look at the definition of the word “provide” it in fact includes financial, spiritual, emotional, and much more. I think that a lot of people hear the word “provide” and think it only on a financial level.

I feel that I can offer the independent woman confidence by presenting myself as someone who can communicate and make great conversation. I feel that I can appeal to a woman by finding ways to make her smile, make her happy, it’s all in how you treat the woman that you’re with. I think a woman can appreciate the things that you do by treating her well. There are things men can offer that does not necessarily require large amounts of money. A lot of men feel if they don’t have a lot of money in their pockets, they can’t appeal to the independent woman. They let their egos get in the way, or they set their motives on taking from that woman. Not a lot of men have the confidence in approaching these types of woman because woman’s standards are high, or they’ve heard the same ole game from way too many men and don’t think they will be successful.

I feel that women who are very successful, making more money and is with men who are not of equal measure, may eventually feel that their he’s not man enough to rise to her level. For example, a friend of mine was dating a guy and they were living together. He was a hard worker and did everything he could financially and emotionally to support his girl while she got her degree in nursing. Once she got her degree she left the guy and when I asked her why, she said “Because he was not doing anything!” It was as if her level of education brought her to a higher level and now she had forgotten all the things he had done for her along the way. I think that a lot people rush into relationships never discussing what they expect from each other. This causes problems within the relationship later on. If you talk about what you want and what you expect from each other, chances are you’ll be able to avoid making a lot of mistakes.

My role as a man in an independent woman’s world does not change even though she’s “an independent woman.” As a man I have a certain responsibility to provide, protect and be the spiritual leader. What I have to offer doesn’t take away from a woman and I would certainly consult with her in order to make decisions. She too has a role to fulfill within the household. I learned my role as the spiritual leader from things that I was taught growing up, and reading the bible.

I feel like you can’t set your standards too high but you have to be realistic. I think that everyone should shoot for someone at their level or a bit higher so that person can bring you up to theirs. Being realistic means that I’m not trying to go for Beyonce but someone who is on my level. I feel that women who have a long list of items they want should break it down to having five top things that they absolutely must have in a potential mate. Instead of looking at the little things that the guy has to have, you should focus on the big picture. So if you meet a man and he fulfills those top 5 things, you should get to know him better so that you can find out if there are other things you like fall into place. By doing that you’re not by passing someone who may be a good match for you. Especially if you’re looking at all these little things. If the guy doesn’t meet up to your top five must haves then keep it moving.

I feel that money plays a role in relationships as many marriages breakup because of financial difficulties. So it’s better to be on the same level, therefore if a man is working and he’s making good money he can afford to not think about every penny being spent. Some women have that same level of comfort. She doesn’t have to worry if she has enough to go out for dinner, or to book a vacation because she has the money. So those two people would have the similar views about money.

Being in the profession that I am people can figure out how much money you make in addition to the fact that you own property. I don’t usually tell woman about how much money I make or about the company I run because that’s my business. Although one woman was very crafty in asking some indirect yet direct questions regarding my finances (e.g. what interest rate did you get for your mortgage, what’s your credit score) I tend to not bring up the topic of money during conversations. I’m always leery of new people and that’s why I would prefer to date someone who knew when I didn’t have everything I have now. Although that’s not always possible. If I meet someone new I keep all finaincial information to myself until things get a lot more serious.

I lead a very busy life and have a full schedule because I have a regular job and I have my own company. I don’t have much time during the weekdays and I need a woman who understands that. I want a woman who is independent and ambitious because I’m ambitious also. The woman that I’d want in my life can’t be needy. She can’t be the type of woman that requires that I give her lots of attention, wanting to spend hours conversing on the phone and quality time together has to work around my schedule. I can’t fathom sitting and watching tv together for hours when I know I could use that time to return emails, phone calls, do chores around the house and yard. My girl can certainly come over and chill at my crib but she has to know that I’ll be doing other things.

So what did you learn from reading their thoughts? Did anything surprise you?

Their Stats:

Mr. Average Joe: African American, 28yrs old, some college

Mr. Realistic: African American, 29yrs old, Bachelors Degree

Mr. Ambitious: African American, 31yrs old, Bachelors & Masters Degree