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Sunday, October 26, 2008

Measure of A Man Part 1

A friend of mine went the gym the other day and she happened to have a conversation with a fellow gym goer about men, women, and dating. It struck me as very interesting conversation so I decided to post a question to you all.

So the topic of discussion was how women have failed in keeping our standards high causing us to settle for less when it comes to men that we choose to be in a relationship with.

His Stats: Mr. Gym goer was described as an African American in his late 30s early 40s, married with two children 2year old and 7years old. He stated that he was at the gym trying to keep himself together and physically fit even though his time is very limited.

Her Stats: African American in her late 20s, single and goes to the gym to stay fit and be healthy.

His Statement:

“If all women were to increase their standards in terms of what they wanted in a mate then men would have no choice but to reach those standards.” The key word in his statement is ALL women not some…but ALL!

Her Statement:

“But not every woman has the same standards. If my standards are set 20 feet above average I may be all by myself. Some men may not want to meet my standards because they are set to high”

His Statement:

“But that’s why women shouldn’t settle for a Joe Shmo from around the way. If the guy is not ambitious, aspiring to do more with his life or trying to meet goals then that man won’t do anything within a relationship. Especially if you’re saying you’re comfortable settling for less. Women have to make men work harder! If all women do it then they wouldn’t have a choice.”

Her Statement:

“I understand what you are trying to say but many of the men women encounter today don’t even know where to begin in order to meet the minimal standards. So women find themselves setting low expectations, hoping that it will produce higher results. The sad part about having low expectations is that you end up settling for less when you should be getting so much more. I feel that there are so much more Joe Shomos out there doing less then those who are above average in meeting my standards.

So I ask you all out there what do you think?

Do you think that Women are setting low standards and if so do you think that men will rise to higher expectations if the standards were to increase?

Are woman asking for too much?

Men please Speak up! lol

Hit me up with a comment! I want to hear when you have to say on this topic.


Amina said...

my standards are TOO High!lol..
i don't even think i might meet
but the reason i set them high is because i want a quality man!
i am not saying that i have a list but i look for heart and being a hard worker as well as someone who is open-minded.
for me this is very important because i need someone who is on my team and supports me emotionally in my dreams. not someone who will put me down because he feels insecure...

plus after being hurt in past relationships, i have no time for bullshit!!

i also read he's just not that into you and looved it!! At the end, he says the same thing, Raise up your standards...

now for physical appearance, i am not that demanding because i am not Naomi Campbell

CurvyGurl said...

Hmm...all the women in my inner circle have high standards, but I think there are some things that are non-negotiable.

If lower standards comprises anything you feel strongly about then that's unwise. If it means he wears outdated clothes, but is great otherwise, that's fixable. As I've gotten older, I've tried to look at things differently.

Admittedly, I was quite shallow back in the day. You come to appreciate people for who they are rather than the superficial stuff.

c said...

Everyone has standards and it is important that they be met however certain ones are deal breakers and people must at least be reasonable...

Scourned Woman said...

I agree that women need to set their standards higher, myself included. I'm in a marriage that I know should have ended long ago. If I set my standards higher and loved myself a little more I know I would not be with this man. The problem is, it's easier said than done when you've been with someone more than half of your life.

Therapeutic Musings said...

I think many many women should raise their standards. I've seen too many accept behavior that they shouldn't have to, just to be able to say that they have a man.

Product Junkie Diva said...

See here is the thing, I don't want to have force someone to meet any standards. I only have eyes for the guy who is alreay there, I don't need to challenge a grown man to be more ambitious or to be a better person. What I am basically saying is I don't need a man that needs a training kit,..I want mine to come already assembled and ready to go straight out the box. Not that he will be perfect, because no one is but no survior bootcamp type of challenges necessary.
Does that make sense? I hope

Sam said...

I totally agree with product junkie diva.
I'm a male and I hope I'm not intruding on women's talk.

I think women should up their standards. Men are lazy. I'm one of them; I know. And I also know that they will work hard to get a woman they like. But once they've gotten her they tend to relax. Mind you not all men do that but most do, in my opinion.

And I also do see a lot of women like some of you said, who have low self-esteem and their standards are set too low so they settle down for someone unworthy of them.

So my opinion is that Woman shouldn't try to change Man. Why the hassle when you can get yourself someone who's already up to standard? Besides if you try to change a man, he will for a few reasons i.e. to please the woman, to shut her up...

But after a while the man would revert back to the same old behavior. So go for the guy who's already polished for you.

Just_Wondering said...

@Sam Welcom and Thanks for giving your comment! It was appreciated and you were not intruding on women's talk lol especially when the topic warrants a males perspective! So swing on by anytime!

Anonymous said...

Good one! As a woman of a certain age...I could write a mini series on this topic. Standards for a man (woman) must be as high as you set for yourself. You will feel like a noose is around your neck if you are driven and your mate is a slacker...evenly yoked people!! I delt with issues of self esteem in my younger years. I dated some thugs/slugs/and other know parasites because I felt that I needed a mate. I told myself that I was in it for fun not marriage. What a stupid thing to think. I really was destroying my temple (body) and my mind all at the same time. Keep standards high...reach for God and fall in love with who he gives you on earth.

Dorkys Ramos said...

I totally feel that some women need to raise their standards. Why sell yourself short and settle for less than what you deserve. I know some people are way too picky and then complain about the lack of good men out there. There's a difference between finding something wrong with everyone you meet and knowing what you will not put up with.

I have friends who hook up with garbage just because they're afraid of being alone. Then they want to talk about he stood her up for the umpteenth time and gives her no attention. Because we didn't see that one coming. You get what you sow and you take what you feel you're worth.

So if you think you're amazing, you'll get nothing less in return.

P.S. Thanks so much for passing by my blog! I really liked this topic (clearly)!

Anonymous said...

Hmmm interesting questions. To be honest I feel a lot of women out there do lower there standards (this includes several of my friends ...sad but true). As a single female ...I have come to the conclusion my refusal to lower my standards is the reason why I'm still SINGLE.

Now anyone can say “well she's too picky that's why she is single” but hold on. If the qualities you are looking for in man (I'm not talking about looks or money just want to clear this up for the men reading this)are not there in a guy...why settle for less. After all the quality of man is one of the determining factors on whether or not you relationship with him will last.

So I guess my answer is if I have to compromise who I am...what I believe and value...what I want in a man to not be single...well I think I will be happier embracing my single hood ...than settling for something that is not really what I want... but just happened to accept for lack of better option.
Some don't know how to be alone and jump from one relationship to another accepting whatever offers seem ok. Other women are scared of loneliness. Other feel they don't deserve better and take whatever they can when they can. So bottom line is NO. Women standards are not high enough...b/c if they were we would have a variety of good quality men in the market that we currently don't have. Men would have no choice to step up to the plate.

Anonymous said...

personally, i do not feel there is any such thing as "high standards"; either you have standards or you don't and either you require your potential partner to meet these standards or you don't.

just because a woman is looking for a man that is educated, ambitious, healthy, etc it doesn't mean she has high standards, it just means that prefers a certain type of man and this day and age technically every man should be striving to be better for the women out here.

[Mind of Marcus©]

A Free Spirit Butterfly said...

I think if your standards are low, so is your self esteem. Secondly, are you offering what you're looking for in a mate? I'm a great catch, so I want a great guy. I also think that God may lead us to someone much the opposite of what we think we "want" because he truly knows what we "need". In the meantime ladies, don't settle....
Have a great day!

Anonymous said...

I dont think women are setting low standards. I think they are accepting them. Im pretty sure most women,who are in the situation, wanted someone better than who they have now but it was their choice to accept it. One keyword to this arguement is ALL. Another keyword is realistic. I agree that if ALL women set a high standard, men would have no choice but to bring themselves up to it. Realistically that wont happen. Some women have proven that they possess no standards and dont intend to(talk shows).

I believe women should set a standard they are comfortable with and keep it there. They should not lower it for anyone. They should set realistic standards though. But in the end, a woman should never accept standards lower than what she expects. She is only setting herself up for dissapoinments. Its unfortunate that alot of men these days dont even know, much less have, the basic standards. What the heck happened to the old days of opening car doors and helping women up steps? Times change but certain things shouldn't.

I believe another factor in this issue is the ratio of women to men. We also have the added issue of the high percentage of male incarceration. I dont know how much weight these factors hold but im sure they count somehow.

On the other hand, I applaude the women who refuse to lower theirs!

Great topic! Keep up the good work!


Anonymous said...

you know i have a girlfriend that has set standard no matter what

she: very dark, long pretty hair, no HSD, lives with momma, low paying job, and no car

She wants: any man with pretty long hair and light skinned

basically her standard are too high for her...because all of the men with long pretty hair are quite handsome...and taken...and dont want a women with nothing to offer....
I told her that she needs to settle for a man that first loves her.....

First time here...nice blog

James Tubman said...

i forgot how wonderful your blog was

i definately need to come by here more often

i'll try to give an honest objective opinion without being biased

i dont think its a problem with men or women

the problem is the twisted society in which we live

look at the images we see on televison

people taking advantage of one another

people only being seen as objects of sexual gratification

we dont value each other the way we used to

we live in a psychopathic culture which puts values on things over people

in order for us to change ourselves we have to change our culture

we have to question our core beliefs and values and see if they work for us or against us

if they worked for us then we would be in great relationships wouldnt we

so obviously the beliefs that most of us have must not be beneficial ones for us if we are not getting what we need in our relationships

Just_Wondering said...

I just wanted to say thank you to everyone who commented on this topic! You all did a wonderful job of telling me exactly what you thought on women's standards. I don't think it would be fair for me not to comment on the topic myself so that you can see where I stand...So here goes...

I think a woman's standards are set according to how much she thinks she deserves. If she thinks she wants a man, any man to say the words "I love you..I need you" then that's the man she will take to be by her side whether if he's from around the corner or making 6 figures and is a total jerk.

I also think that some men honestly don't know what role they play in a woman's life anymore so they are left wondering if she wants my money, a warm body, or a true companion etc.

Leave it up to society, our self esteem, past experiences, our child hood, and family that feed us what our roles as women and men are. All these things and much more is where we seem to get our level of standards from in finding a mate.

As for me, I feel that I should get in return what I have to give... Which means if I'm not perfect in a particular area of my life, I don't expect that the man I am with should be either. I don't have a laundry list of things that are impossible or unrealistic. I'm not going to say no to anyone who doesn't fit my bill 100% because sometimes what you think you want is not whats best for you. So I'm looking for someone who can meet me at my level so we can strive for the best together. I'm looking for the God's Best Match for me.

Calming Corners said...

Many of my friends have high standards, where some people I know settle for the slim pickens excuse.

My take on it, if you have high standards and qualities you want in a man you must have those qualities yourself. If you settle for less you will end up with less than what you settled for. Patience, knowing yourself and listening to your intuition is so important.


SLC said...

I am so sorry I missed the beginning of this series. Standards vary from person to person so the goal should be not to compromise on whatever your standards are. This may mean ignoring the biological clock. I have a couple of 50 year old single female friends that joked (I think) about making a list a long time ago of what they wanted in a man, and how now that list has shrunk the longer they've waited.
Women that don't compromise on their standards may wait longer, but I'm also sure they're hurt less when they do find a man that meets those standards.
See ya again real soon,