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Monday, November 24, 2008

Measure of a Man Part 3

So I finally bring to you Part 3 of the Measure of a Man series. To do a litte recap Measure of a Man (MoM) Part 1 covered the idea of whether or not women's standards were too high or too low. In MoM Part 2, I asked everyone where does a man fit into an "independent woman's" life? I also asked the males what role they think they play in a woman's life.

As I received a lot of responses from females, I wanted to find out more about the male's perspective. So I interviewed 3 men within my social circle and posed the same questions I asked everyone to respond to. Below you will find their responses.I also asked about their role as a spiritual leader of the household as they all are Christians.

*Special Thanks To These Gentlemen For Allowing Me To Post Their Responses Thanks So Very Much For Being Open and Honest!!*

So please take some time to read and tell me your thoughts about:

Mr. Realistic, Mr. Average Joe, Mr. Ambitious

I think that most independent woman have set their standards too high. They fail to aim for realistic expectations. I say this because I feel that although they want this charming, sexy, articulate man with a job, along with all these other great qualities, in the end they don’t in fact posses a lot of those same qualities. Simply put, I think that the things on her list needs to be things she possesses. If she has any shortcomings, than he is allowed to have them as well. For example, if a “white collar” woman dates a “blue collar” man, she has to remember that this is the man she chose to be with. If he desires to get to that “white collar” status, it must be on his on accord not because of the pressures from a nagging wife/girlfriend. I feel like that woman is only trying to satisfy her own selfish ambitions. Some woman always seem to want more…..they aren’t satisfied with what they have because they have climbed up the success ladder.

Some of the things that I feel I can offer to an independent woman include spirituality, my education, someone with a job, compassion, patience, laughter, and another perspective to life and it challenges. What a man can offer is dependent on what he actually has within himself. You can’t give what you do not posses. What I have to offer also depends on the woman’s moral compass.

I understand my role as a spiritual leader mostly in theory as I have little to no practice with the knowledge that I have acquired. My theories need to be put into practice in order for me to become a valuable candidate for my prospective mate. I feel that being the head of the household encompasses spiritual, social, and economical aspects. Most men focus on the monetary aspect of providing however, God wants the man to be mindful of his spiritual life along with his family then the other necessities will be fulfilled. The real question that most men should ask themselves is, “What role does God play in your life and does God have an active influence on the decisions you make ?"

I don’t think it’s a question of standards being too high or too low…..I think that people (Christians) are moving away from God and are putting what they see in the world above what God thinks they actually deserve. Sometimes what you think you should have is not really want you need. God knows what you need, so He will give you what you deserve.

I understand my role as head of the household and I know that it does not only have the main focus on providing financially. If you look at the definition of the word “provide” it in fact includes financial, spiritual, emotional, and much more. I think that a lot of people hear the word “provide” and think it only on a financial level.

I feel that I can offer the independent woman confidence by presenting myself as someone who can communicate and make great conversation. I feel that I can appeal to a woman by finding ways to make her smile, make her happy, it’s all in how you treat the woman that you’re with. I think a woman can appreciate the things that you do by treating her well. There are things men can offer that does not necessarily require large amounts of money. A lot of men feel if they don’t have a lot of money in their pockets, they can’t appeal to the independent woman. They let their egos get in the way, or they set their motives on taking from that woman. Not a lot of men have the confidence in approaching these types of woman because woman’s standards are high, or they’ve heard the same ole game from way too many men and don’t think they will be successful.

I feel that women who are very successful, making more money and is with men who are not of equal measure, may eventually feel that their he’s not man enough to rise to her level. For example, a friend of mine was dating a guy and they were living together. He was a hard worker and did everything he could financially and emotionally to support his girl while she got her degree in nursing. Once she got her degree she left the guy and when I asked her why, she said “Because he was not doing anything!” It was as if her level of education brought her to a higher level and now she had forgotten all the things he had done for her along the way. I think that a lot people rush into relationships never discussing what they expect from each other. This causes problems within the relationship later on. If you talk about what you want and what you expect from each other, chances are you’ll be able to avoid making a lot of mistakes.

My role as a man in an independent woman’s world does not change even though she’s “an independent woman.” As a man I have a certain responsibility to provide, protect and be the spiritual leader. What I have to offer doesn’t take away from a woman and I would certainly consult with her in order to make decisions. She too has a role to fulfill within the household. I learned my role as the spiritual leader from things that I was taught growing up, and reading the bible.

I feel like you can’t set your standards too high but you have to be realistic. I think that everyone should shoot for someone at their level or a bit higher so that person can bring you up to theirs. Being realistic means that I’m not trying to go for Beyonce but someone who is on my level. I feel that women who have a long list of items they want should break it down to having five top things that they absolutely must have in a potential mate. Instead of looking at the little things that the guy has to have, you should focus on the big picture. So if you meet a man and he fulfills those top 5 things, you should get to know him better so that you can find out if there are other things you like fall into place. By doing that you’re not by passing someone who may be a good match for you. Especially if you’re looking at all these little things. If the guy doesn’t meet up to your top five must haves then keep it moving.

I feel that money plays a role in relationships as many marriages breakup because of financial difficulties. So it’s better to be on the same level, therefore if a man is working and he’s making good money he can afford to not think about every penny being spent. Some women have that same level of comfort. She doesn’t have to worry if she has enough to go out for dinner, or to book a vacation because she has the money. So those two people would have the similar views about money.

Being in the profession that I am people can figure out how much money you make in addition to the fact that you own property. I don’t usually tell woman about how much money I make or about the company I run because that’s my business. Although one woman was very crafty in asking some indirect yet direct questions regarding my finances (e.g. what interest rate did you get for your mortgage, what’s your credit score) I tend to not bring up the topic of money during conversations. I’m always leery of new people and that’s why I would prefer to date someone who knew when I didn’t have everything I have now. Although that’s not always possible. If I meet someone new I keep all finaincial information to myself until things get a lot more serious.

I lead a very busy life and have a full schedule because I have a regular job and I have my own company. I don’t have much time during the weekdays and I need a woman who understands that. I want a woman who is independent and ambitious because I’m ambitious also. The woman that I’d want in my life can’t be needy. She can’t be the type of woman that requires that I give her lots of attention, wanting to spend hours conversing on the phone and quality time together has to work around my schedule. I can’t fathom sitting and watching tv together for hours when I know I could use that time to return emails, phone calls, do chores around the house and yard. My girl can certainly come over and chill at my crib but she has to know that I’ll be doing other things.
So what did you learn from reading their thoughts? Did anything surprise you?
Their Stats:
Mr. Average Joe: African American, 28yrs old, some college
Mr. Realistic: African American, 29yrs old, Bachelors Degree
Mr. Ambitious: African American, 31yrs old, Bachelors & Masters Degree

Sunday, November 16, 2008

When someone uses the wrong word?

Hello Everyone,

I'm working on Part 3 of "Measure of a Man" and hopefully you'll all enjoy the read before we all move on to more great topics lol.

I wanted to ask you guys your thoughts about something. I'm a Speech Language Pathologist (SLP) so it's in my nature to always pay attention to how a person communicates and how they speak. I'm sorry but it's not something I can turn off. It's my profession and I'm always "working" even when I'm not at work. LOL

So the other day I was having a conversation with a friend of a friend and they used the wrong word over and over again during the converstation. I felt so strongly about telling the person the correct word, but I didn't want to embarrass them. I left the converstation thinking about what the person said wrong and I almost felt it was my duty as a SLP to find a way to inform them of it because I could not fathom it being said again with someone else.

I just wondered what you do when this happens?

Do you let the person go on with out being corrected knowing that they will say it again and again and again? lolol

Who have you corrected, how did they respond when you told them, and would you want someone to correct you?

Just_Wondering about what you'd do in my shoes......

PS: I may start a funny series of stories as an SLP working with my kiddies (3-5 year olds)

Sunday, November 2, 2008

Measure of A Man Part 2

So I’m sure you all noticed that the “Measure of a Man” post below happens to be Part 1 and there has to be a Part 2. To be honest I didn’t know what that would be until today. I wanted to get everyone’s responses, then ponder on what the next part would be so check it out.

As I go through my life, I often wonder how much of what I want is really what I want. Are these desires stemming from within me or is society, my culture, my parents, or my religion pushing me into things I’d want for my life. I’m a spiritual person and I talk to God about everything. I wonder what He wants me to do with my life, how He’d like me to live it, how I affect the people around me, and most importantly I just want a relationship with Him so that He can work through me so that way He gets all the credit. But this journey of mine with God is a process and things are revealed to me one step at a time. So for me I want to make sure that me and God are on the same page.

So let me get to the point... lol After reading everyone’s comment, I wondered about what role men really play in a woman’s life these days. I mean, I’m one of four girls and my Dad raised us to be independent and focused on reaching our goals. Where does a man fit into this entire idea of I’m “independent…I don’t need anyone to help me…I can get the house the car all on my own and a career going....thank you very much!” Not to say that we should be depending on a man for any material things. I'm not talking to superficial woman right now. I'm talking to those who have reached or is working towards reaching all their career goals, maybe the material things that you know you want etc....

Where does a man fit in?? Let me be the Male species’ advocate and ask the ladies:

What role would you want a man to play in your life?

Forget about your list of expectations and standards for one second…

Tell me why you feel the desire to have a man in your life?? Not that I’m saying that you NEED one lol But why is it a desire of yours to have someone in your life and where did that desire come from? Be honest now!

As for those Men out there don’t think I’m leaving you out. I want you to answer this question:

What role do you think you play in a woman’s life?

I can’t wait to hear your thoughts on this!