Measure of a Man Part 3

So I finally bring to you Part 3 of the Measure of a Man series. To do a litte recap Measure of a Man (MoM) Part 1 covered the idea of whether or not women's standards were too high or too low. In MoM Part 2, I asked everyone where does a man fit into an "independent woman's" life? I also asked the males what role they think they play in a woman's life.



As I received a lot of responses from females, I wanted to find out more about the male's perspective. So I interviewed 3 men within my social circle and posed the same questions I asked everyone to respond to. Below you will find their responses.I also asked about their role as a spiritual leader of the household as they all are Christians.

*Special Thanks To These Gentlemen For Allowing Me To Post Their Responses Thanks So Very Much For Being Open and Honest!!*

So please take some time to read and tell me your thoughts about:

Mr. Realistic, Mr. Average Joe, Mr. Ambitious

I think that most independent woman have set their standards too high. They fail to aim for realistic expectations. I say this because I feel that although they want this charming, sexy, articulate man with a job, along with all these other great qualities, in the end they don’t in fact posses a lot of those same qualities. Simply put, I think that the things on her list needs to be things she possesses. If she has any shortcomings, than he is allowed to have them as well. For example, if a “white collar” woman dates a “blue collar” man, she has to remember that this is the man she chose to be with. If he desires to get to that “white collar” status, it must be on his on accord not because of the pressures from a nagging wife/girlfriend. I feel like that woman is only trying to satisfy her own selfish ambitions. Some woman always seem to want more…..they aren’t satisfied with what they have because they have climbed up the success ladder.

Some of the things that I feel I can offer to an independent woman include spirituality, my education, someone with a job, compassion, patience, laughter, and another perspective to life and it challenges. What a man can offer is dependent on what he actually has within himself. You can’t give what you do not posses. What I have to offer also depends on the woman’s moral compass.

I understand my role as a spiritual leader mostly in theory as I have little to no practice with the knowledge that I have acquired. My theories need to be put into practice in order for me to become a valuable candidate for my prospective mate. I feel that being the head of the household encompasses spiritual, social, and economical aspects. Most men focus on the monetary aspect of providing however, God wants the man to be mindful of his spiritual life along with his family then the other necessities will be fulfilled. The real question that most men should ask themselves is, “What role does God play in your life and does God have an active influence on the decisions you make ?"

I don’t think it’s a question of standards being too high or too low…..I think that people (Christians) are moving away from God and are putting what they see in the world above what God thinks they actually deserve. Sometimes what you think you should have is not really want you need. God knows what you need, so He will give you what you deserve.

I understand my role as head of the household and I know that it does not only have the main focus on providing financially. If you look at the definition of the word “provide” it in fact includes financial, spiritual, emotional, and much more. I think that a lot of people hear the word “provide” and think it only on a financial level.

I feel that I can offer the independent woman confidence by presenting myself as someone who can communicate and make great conversation. I feel that I can appeal to a woman by finding ways to make her smile, make her happy, it’s all in how you treat the woman that you’re with. I think a woman can appreciate the things that you do by treating her well. There are things men can offer that does not necessarily require large amounts of money. A lot of men feel if they don’t have a lot of money in their pockets, they can’t appeal to the independent woman. They let their egos get in the way, or they set their motives on taking from that woman. Not a lot of men have the confidence in approaching these types of woman because woman’s standards are high, or they’ve heard the same ole game from way too many men and don’t think they will be successful.

I feel that women who are very successful, making more money and is with men who are not of equal measure, may eventually feel that their he’s not man enough to rise to her level. For example, a friend of mine was dating a guy and they were living together. He was a hard worker and did everything he could financially and emotionally to support his girl while she got her degree in nursing. Once she got her degree she left the guy and when I asked her why, she said “Because he was not doing anything!” It was as if her level of education brought her to a higher level and now she had forgotten all the things he had done for her along the way. I think that a lot people rush into relationships never discussing what they expect from each other. This causes problems within the relationship later on. If you talk about what you want and what you expect from each other, chances are you’ll be able to avoid making a lot of mistakes.

My role as a man in an independent woman’s world does not change even though she’s “an independent woman.” As a man I have a certain responsibility to provide, protect and be the spiritual leader. What I have to offer doesn’t take away from a woman and I would certainly consult with her in order to make decisions. She too has a role to fulfill within the household. I learned my role as the spiritual leader from things that I was taught growing up, and reading the bible.

I feel like you can’t set your standards too high but you have to be realistic. I think that everyone should shoot for someone at their level or a bit higher so that person can bring you up to theirs. Being realistic means that I’m not trying to go for Beyonce but someone who is on my level. I feel that women who have a long list of items they want should break it down to having five top things that they absolutely must have in a potential mate. Instead of looking at the little things that the guy has to have, you should focus on the big picture. So if you meet a man and he fulfills those top 5 things, you should get to know him better so that you can find out if there are other things you like fall into place. By doing that you’re not by passing someone who may be a good match for you. Especially if you’re looking at all these little things. If the guy doesn’t meet up to your top five must haves then keep it moving.

I feel that money plays a role in relationships as many marriages breakup because of financial difficulties. So it’s better to be on the same level, therefore if a man is working and he’s making good money he can afford to not think about every penny being spent. Some women have that same level of comfort. She doesn’t have to worry if she has enough to go out for dinner, or to book a vacation because she has the money. So those two people would have the similar views about money.

Being in the profession that I am people can figure out how much money you make in addition to the fact that you own property. I don’t usually tell woman about how much money I make or about the company I run because that’s my business. Although one woman was very crafty in asking some indirect yet direct questions regarding my finances (e.g. what interest rate did you get for your mortgage, what’s your credit score) I tend to not bring up the topic of money during conversations. I’m always leery of new people and that’s why I would prefer to date someone who knew when I didn’t have everything I have now. Although that’s not always possible. If I meet someone new I keep all finaincial information to myself until things get a lot more serious.

I lead a very busy life and have a full schedule because I have a regular job and I have my own company. I don’t have much time during the weekdays and I need a woman who understands that. I want a woman who is independent and ambitious because I’m ambitious also. The woman that I’d want in my life can’t be needy. She can’t be the type of woman that requires that I give her lots of attention, wanting to spend hours conversing on the phone and quality time together has to work around my schedule. I can’t fathom sitting and watching tv together for hours when I know I could use that time to return emails, phone calls, do chores around the house and yard. My girl can certainly come over and chill at my crib but she has to know that I’ll be doing other things.

So what did you learn from reading their thoughts? Did anything surprise you?

Their Stats:

Mr. Average Joe: African American, 28yrs old, some college

Mr. Realistic: African American, 29yrs old, Bachelors Degree

Mr. Ambitious: African American, 31yrs old, Bachelors & Masters Degree

When someone uses the wrong word?

Hello Everyone,

I'm working on Part 3 of "Measure of a Man" and hopefully you'll all enjoy the read before we all move on to more great topics lol.

I wanted to ask you guys your thoughts about something. I'm a Speech Language Pathologist (SLP) so it's in my nature to always pay attention to how a person communicates and how they speak. I'm sorry but it's not something I can turn off. It's my profession and I'm always "working" even when I'm not at work. LOL

So the other day I was having a conversation with a friend of a friend and they used the wrong word over and over again during the converstation. I felt so strongly about telling the person the correct word, but I didn't want to embarrass them. I left the converstation thinking about what the person said wrong and I almost felt it was my duty as a SLP to find a way to inform them of it because I could not fathom it being said again with someone else.

I just wondered what you do when this happens?

Do you let the person go on with out being corrected knowing that they will say it again and again and again? lolol

Who have you corrected, how did they respond when you told them, and would you want someone to correct you?

Just_Wondering about what you'd do in my shoes......

PS: I may start a funny series of stories as an SLP working with my kiddies (3-5 year olds)

Measure of A Man Part 2

So I’m sure you all noticed that the “Measure of a Man” post below happens to be Part 1 and there has to be a Part 2. To be honest I didn’t know what that would be until today. I wanted to get everyone’s responses, then ponder on what the next part would be so check it out.

As I go through my life, I often wonder how much of what I want is really what I want. Are these desires stemming from within me or is society, my culture, my parents, or my religion pushing me into things I’d want for my life. I’m a spiritual person and I talk to God about everything. I wonder what He wants me to do with my life, how He’d like me to live it, how I affect the people around me, and most importantly I just want a relationship with Him so that He can work through me so that way He gets all the credit. But this journey of mine with God is a process and things are revealed to me one step at a time. So for me I want to make sure that me and God are on the same page.

So let me get to the point... lol After reading everyone’s comment, I wondered about what role men really play in a woman’s life these days. I mean, I’m one of four girls and my Dad raised us to be independent and focused on reaching our goals. Where does a man fit into this entire idea of I’m “independent…I don’t need anyone to help me…I can get the house the car all on my own and a career going....thank you very much!” Not to say that we should be depending on a man for any material things. I'm not talking to superficial woman right now. I'm talking to those who have reached or is working towards reaching all their career goals, maybe the material things that you know you want etc....

Where does a man fit in?? Let me be the Male species’ advocate and ask the ladies:

What role would you want a man to play in your life?

Forget about your list of expectations and standards for one second…

Tell me why you feel the desire to have a man in your life?? Not that I’m saying that you NEED one lol But why is it a desire of yours to have someone in your life and where did that desire come from? Be honest now!

As for those Men out there don’t think I’m leaving you out. I want you to answer this question:

What role do you think you play in a woman’s life?

I can’t wait to hear your thoughts on this!

Measure of A Man Part 1

A friend of mine went the gym the other day and she happened to have a conversation with a fellow gym goer about men, women, and dating. It struck me as very interesting conversation so I decided to post a question to you all.

So the topic of discussion was how women have failed in keeping our standards high causing us to settle for less when it comes to men that we choose to be in a relationship with.

His Stats: Mr. Gym goer was described as an African American in his late 30s early 40s, married with two children 2year old and 7years old. He stated that he was at the gym trying to keep himself together and physically fit even though his time is very limited.

Her Stats: African American in her late 20s, single and goes to the gym to stay fit and be healthy.

His Statement:

“If all women were to increase their standards in terms of what they wanted in a mate then men would have no choice but to reach those standards.” The key word in his statement is ALL women not some…but ALL!

Her Statement:

“But not every woman has the same standards. If my standards are set 20 feet above average I may be all by myself. Some men may not want to meet my standards because they are set to high”

His Statement:

“But that’s why women shouldn’t settle for a Joe Shmo from around the way. If the guy is not ambitious, aspiring to do more with his life or trying to meet goals then that man won’t do anything within a relationship. Especially if you’re saying you’re comfortable settling for less. Women have to make men work harder! If all women do it then they wouldn’t have a choice.”

Her Statement:

“I understand what you are trying to say but many of the men women encounter today don’t even know where to begin in order to meet the minimal standards. So women find themselves setting low expectations, hoping that it will produce higher results. The sad part about having low expectations is that you end up settling for less when you should be getting so much more. I feel that there are so much more Joe Shomos out there doing less then those who are above average in meeting my standards.

So I ask you all out there what do you think?

Do you think that Women are setting low standards and if so do you think that men will rise to higher expectations if the standards were to increase?

Are woman asking for too much?

Men please Speak up! lol

Hit me up with a comment! I want to hear when you have to say on this topic.

Picture Perfect

Have you ever thought about how you would meet the love of your life...I mean I know many don't sit and ponder on these things but if you could have created the instance in which you crossed paths with the person you would be spending the rest of your life with, when, where, and under what circumstances would it be? Crossing the street, at the local supermarket, shopping for a gift at the mall, at your favorite restaurant.....The possibilities are endless....

Here’s my little scene:

After finishing an entire roll of film in my camera I happen to go to the photo shop I often frequent for many years to develop my prints. I also was very excited to pick up the prints I had dropped off last week. I love this little shop because they do an impeccable job and the owner knows exactly what I want. As I walk into the shop, I realized the sweet elderly owner Mr. Jacobs wasn’t behind the counter. I ring the bell resting by my hand and said,

“Hello…is anyone back there!” A voice responded saying,

“Oh sorry!! I’ll be right out, I’m just in the middle of something. If you call out your name I’d be glad to find your prints on my way back out there!”

So I did as the voice requested and began to look at the enlarged prints on the walls of the shop that all seemed to speak to me. Mr. Jacobs work was amazing and I always wondered how I could capture the same shots…I continued to look not knowing that Mr.Voice had come over to the counter and said…

“Oh, that print in the corner, I love that one the most. The woman in the picture seemed so at ease and her sense of joy appears to jump out at you.”

I replied, “Well you’re right about that, but don’t you think the shot needs a little more lighting.”

Mr. Voice replied, “Absolutely not…I think the entire shot is flawless with just the right amount of lighting, which accentuates the woman’s natural beauty. I’ve always thought My Grandfather did an amazing job on that picture”

My mind wondered a million thoughts as I stood there a few seconds longer looking at the picture. I was very taken by the comments he had made…..It was at that point that I broke my trance. I turned around to meet Mr. Voice’s gaze who had just revealed himself as Mr. Jacob’s grandson.

There behind that counter stood a 6’0 foot tall, milk chocolate man, with a medium build. As I put a face to the voice… I uttered the words,

“Actually, Mr. Jacobs didn’t take that shot…I did….”

That my friends is the very beginning to what I could imagine to have met the love of my life. The story includes my passion for a lost hobby of mine, a common thirst for capturing a moment in time, and my interest peaked by words before anything else.

Alas although it is a fantasy….I know that the real life event will be remembered as something flawless because it was orchestrated by God.

So tell me…If you could…When..Where..and under what circumstances would you want to meet the love of your life. Please do share no matter how ridiculous you may think it sounds lol

Thanks for reading!

Who is looking back at you in the Mirror?

Have you ever been in a situation where you have to tell your friend/family member/girlfriend/boyfriend something about their personality that isn’t the nicest?

It’s a very hard task to say to someone…

“You’re so negative..”

“You have so much going for yourself but you’re ungrateful for the things you have.”

“You can’t be independent…you always seem to need my help even if the task is simple.”

“You never say thank you”

“You complain too much….way too much”

“You don’t make an effort to spend time with me”

“I feel like everyone else in your life is important and I’m at the bottom of your list” “You’re never encouraging”

“You’re impatient”

“You always have to be right..”

“You never listen to me….”

“You’re judgmental”

“You’re selfish”

“You’re not making an effort to make things work”

“You’re self centered”

“You’re not sensitive to my situation”

I’ve told someone some of these things and it didn’t turn out very well. I had so many concerns that I didn’t share that it was dumped on the person all at the same time. I was essentially asking for a complete personality change, which wouldn’t be fair to either of us. So it ended there. I walked away leaving the lasting impression being all the things that I didn’t like and I wonder if those things were ever addressed after so many years.

Sometimes these personality traits are unbearable and you feel like after some time it’s something that has to be said. Once the cat is out of the bag…you find yourself with someone who gets so angry they never make any changes at all…. Or they make changes to make you feel better or for themselves to feel better but essentially the change is short lived. Lastly, there’s the person that is willing to change for the better for themselves and the future of their relationships.

So tell me have you ever been in a situation where you’ve had to tell someone something about their personality? How did you do it? How did it end up?

Has anyone told you about something about your personality? How did you feel when it happened? Did you eventually make any changes?

What If.........

"There's a cute guy who happens to get on the elevator on the 6th floor when I go to lunch around 1:15pm..he's always with a client or with a group of people...."

"Wow every time I see that guy at the library he seems so focused on his school work and I find that really attractive."

"There's a girl who comes into the bookstore where I work who takes my breath away every time I see her...but I don't think she'd date a guy like me."

"I've been friends with this woman that I've known for the past 3 years and although I've always found her attractive I don't think she'd ever see me in a romantic way."

Have you ever found yourself in a situation where you see someone that has caught your eye but they have no idea you exist….You may see them at the company luncheons because they work in a different department…or a customer that happens to shop on the same days you do at the local supermarket.

So I was wondering what do you do…or should I say what have you done to get someone’s attention. Did you drop that orange hoping they would pick it up and strike up a conversation? Have you ever “appeared” to have a problem so that you could ask them for help?

For the Women I ask: Would you prefer to be approached or wait to be noticed?

For the Man: Do you ever wish that woman would approach you or do you prefer to make the 1st move?