Tug of War- Are Women Running Relationships?

Hey Guys,

It’s been an extremely long time since I have posted or even remembered I even have a blog lol. I told myself that I would only post when I felt I wanted to put something I’ve been wondering about. So today happens to be that day. Now forgive me if any of the things I am going to say does not sound well thought out, maybe even a little confusing. However, I’m just wondering maybe someone else could possibly relate or even experienced the same feelings or notions on the topic. Here we go…..

Ok so this post is directed to women and if there are any men that want to weigh in then certainly do so. I was thinking about the relationships and I noticed something quite interesting that I tend to struggle with myself. Maybe I’m in the wrong circles or maybe there’s way more to this then meets the eye. But I feel like lately, Men are either not taking the lead in their relationships or it’s women who aren’t letting men take the lead. Now I personally know for a fact that I can be impatient and demanding when in comes maintaining a healthy relationship. I’m huge on communication and when issues arise I believe in nipping things in the bud. However, I feel like women have taken the lead in doing so many things (at times because they have to with dads missing in action) that we don’t allow men to do their part in the relationship. I also feel that men who may not have had a good example of a male figure growing up and were raised by women. Sometimes these men are somewhat used to a woman doing it all. Now I am not saying that women are not capable to holding things down. I just honestly feel that women weren’t created to HAVE to do it all. That somewhere throughout the generations there was a shift and men are maybe lost and confused as to where they fit in.

I look at some of the people in my environment and the women are running the show. Let me describe a real situation. Here is a woman who is working full time and has one child and another one the way. The guy recently lost his job (e.g. he’s been in and out of a job for several years) and is on unemployment and is not doing much to look for a job. Her salary can hold down 85% of the household bills and mortgage. He becomes complacent because he knows that the lights won’t go off and the mortgage will get paid because the woman is not going to allow it to happen. She’s always holding it down (granted there’s more to the story then meets the eye lol there always is) What’s wrong with this picture? Or you may find that there are young men in their 20s that are used to women who go as far as asking them out or at least they try to be the aggressive one to get the guys attention (e.g. I’m old fashion meaning that I think that if a man likes you he will ask in u out. No need to be chasing after one.) Men are dating women who are even planning the dates 90% of the time. I am totally guilty of running the show when I see things aren’t going to get done. It’s something that I have to learn not to do and it’s become automatic or almost natural.

So what do you think? Do you think women have taken the lead in relationships from men, or that men just have no clue because we don’t give them the chance to lead. I’m not taking about men being brutes and trying to control a woman. I’m talking about a man being able to think ahead and make wise decisions for the relationship. A man who knows how to handle a bad situation without it being unsettling to the relationship/marriage. It’s not an easy task; however I do believe that God created men and women to have different roles. Not that each one is not esteemed better than the other. I just think that God wired men to do certain things and they do it well. As well as women were created to do certain things and do it well. When you put the two together you have a well oiled relationship that fit wonderfully together because the men and women truly complete each other. Where one is weak, the other one is strong. So ladies do you ever wonder if women did less then maybe men would take their positions? Are we to take some of the blame for this issue? Maybe I just need to check out my environment and figure out why these types of men are the ones I keep on seeing lol Or maybe men are so used to women running the show it that it’s normal? Is it that men don’t have a clue as to what their role is anymore? What do you notice going on in your environment? I don’t know guys. You tell me.

What do you think?

Thanks for Reading!!

Just_Wondering

Are You Prepared For Marriage?

….Hey….it’s me…I was thinking…Oh I’m sorry…Here’s an invitation to what I’ve been wondering about lately. Welcome to my thoughts…..I was looking back at my life and to be quite honest I’ve been blessed…I have accomplished some of what I wanted at stage in my life. I love God with all my heart, I got an education, I have a career that I love, and a great place to work. I’m healthy, my family is with me and I have real true friends.

I was thinking about how I got it all. What did I do to get it all? I realized that for the most part I prayed and then got myself prepared for each step I took. When I finished high school I knew I wanted to go to college so I got prepared and made a list of schools I wanted then applied and don’t forgot that I prayed along the entire process. When I went to class, I learned the material and went home to go back over everything so that I’d be prepared for the exams. I got myself ready, I studied, I researched what I didn’t really know or understand. Well lets keep going…I promise you that I’m getting somewhere with this……I knew I wanted to buy a car someday but first I needed to learn how to drive!! I needed to get ready to get on the road before I could officially call myself a driver. I did a lot of praying because I was really afraid of driving my car on NYC streets. These were all challenges. Yet I prayed and God helped me during each phase.

The more I thought about it, the more I realized that I did something to prepare myself for the unknown. For college, for those exams, for that road test, for my monetary investment and read my bible to develop my spiritual life. So then I started to wonder…I wondered about the other things I’d like to see happen in my future…marriage…kids…however I began to realize when it comes to something as big as marriage that people aren’t getting themselves prepared. Something that will affect the rest of your life. Something so complicated as falling in love and staying together. Now I used the word complicated because it’s just that…Love and developing a relationship is hard work. Marriage is about two people becoming one. Have you ever wondered about what it would be like to take a course on marriage before you jumped the broom. I know you can’t know everything, but maybe…just maybe you could do some research, speak to a few married or divorce couples just to get some insight about the idea of happily ever after (if that is even at all possible cause living in today’s age is no fairytale)

How amazing would it be to know what pitfalls to avoid before you get to them before you get married? How to resolve issues? How to communicate your feelings? Isn’t it ironic that people get themselves prepared in one way or another for a lot of things in life but they don’t get prepared or try to figure out what it would take to have a successful marriage….?

If marriage is something your heart desires is there really anyway to get yourself prepared (and I’m not talking about when you are engaged already…way before that?)

I also ask you this…..

Do you feel like there is a way to get yourself prepared and if so what would you be willing to do to prepare for it? Have you done anything so far? If so what was it?

Why is it that with everything else we are ready to do the research to get ourselves prepared for the unknown…but we often walk into marriage thinking we can take a crash course at the alter?

Haiti Earthquake - Are your Hearts Shaken up?

I wanted to do a post regarding Haiti because I am Haitian American. The past couple of days has shaken everyone internally as the news and the internet has been covering the devastation in Haiti. Maybe you do not know any Haitian people. Maybe you did not even know about the tiny country in the Carribean. However, now its the topic from the supermarkets to the Office. I have heard bad news and good news during the past few days from Haitian friends regarding their families. It has not been easy mourning with those who have lost so much and rejoicing when you find that people have lived. Its a lot of emotions to bare all at the same time as people relay stories.

So I am not going to retell any stories. I am simply hoping and praying that everyone will do whatever they can to help someone in need. Whether if it is a listening ear, a word of encouragement, maybe a donation to the Red Cross, whatever you feel moved to do, DO it.... People have made comments about God punishing Haiti, or where was God when this happened, or why should we help. God knows all and if you have any mixed feeling about Him I would suggest you start asking him these questions, I guarantee that if you truly want answers from Him he will respond and give you the answers you need. Get alone with God and ask him whatever your heart truly wants to know. If you're mad then go talk to God and tell him your concerns. He will show up if you are willing to listen to what he has to say.

This is a personal matter for me. My heart aches so I will be trying my best to help in my own way. If your heart aches also do something however small it is. If you opt out of doing anything and have your reasons, that's ok too. I just know that my outlook on life and my lenses are a bit clearer. I am thankful for the gift of life and I hope that when it's my turn to leave this earth that someone would say "She was an encouragement to those around her."

What would you want people to say about your life after you have passed away?

Thanks for reading

Just_Wondering

What Do Women Want In A Man?

Hey Everyone,

Happy New Year!!! I hope that everyone is doing well and if this is the first time you are reading my blog Welcome!

This post will be a little different. I recently had a conversation with a friend of mine as he asked me where all the educated woman are hiding. lol We also dicussed what he would have to offer an educated independent woman and what those woman want. So I emailed him this response. Enjoy the read!

What Independent Successful Black Women want? (I said black because that's what he's looking for)

Now not every single woman wants what I am about to tell you, but I know that both men and women have a desire for companionship. Whether if it’s through a romantic relationship, a platonic one or with family. People need people.Now woman are all very different and their past can certainly shape how they view men. But the honest woman who wants someone they want a real relationship with, that have worked hard on getting themselves an education, a job and is holding themselves down..or maybe they don't have education but they have a plan to do better and be better..these type of women want these things...Now this quote was written by a guy (a friend of my sister) who has a good idea that men can provide much more than money, because a successful woman is already taking care of herself financially.

"My role as a man would involve a vision for the relationship which would look like this…I would be a support emotionally by creating a place that is safe for her to be herself, to offer compassion and understanding and support in the whatever day to day challenges that arise. My role would be to offer companionship and shared reality and interests. My role would be to offer quality time and comfort and an encouraging voice. My role would be to find ways to help her flourish and wake up to even more of the genius part inside her."

What I like about this response is that it shows that independent women want a man to love her inside and outside. We want someone who really..truly have our best interest at heart. Someone who we can call our man and our friend. We want to be able to feel vulnerable and safe around you. Men have a way of providing a sense of security when you know that they will take care of a situation making wise and sound decisions that demonstrate that they are thinking about what you would want.

We want a man who is taking care of business by taking good care of himself, yet can anticipate a woman's needs as well. Women also want someone they can trust. A man who is consistent in keeping his word, actions matching up with his words, and admitting when he has done something wrong or needs help when its clear that the situation is beyond his level of expertise

Women want to know that when the bottom falls out you will be concerned and willing to provide emotional support. Men aren’t necessarily emotional by nature, but when you care about a woman you should be watching to find out what will make her feel better (e.g an embrace, a listening ear while she complains) it may not be one thing, it could be a combination of things but the key is to care enough to figure out how to make that woman feel better. Women also want to feel appreciated for the things that they do for their man.

Now you don’t give every woman you meet all these things automatically. You need to find out if she's a real woman of character who also has your best interest at heart. Someone who is willingly to support you, and care about you. Her actions and words will speak volumes as you get to know her. You give your attention to the woman who is interested in giving you 110%. Then you can give her your 110% also. Don’t expect more than you have to offer because it’s not a fair deal. Don’t date someone who gives less than you have to offer because then you'll get hurt and frustrated.

Well that's it I guess. Some of this stuff may be old news and other stuff you may not usually put into practice with someone who is giving you a 110%. And maybe you're not at a time in your life where you feel you want to do any of it. But a lot of great independent woman want great men in their lives....Hope this helps..if not send this to the clueless brotha lol

Ladies if you have anything else you'd like to add feel free to post a coment. Men if any thoughts feel free to comment also!

Thanks for stopping by and reading!

Just_Wondering

How do I know he loves me? Does she love me? What is Love? Is it True Love?

Have you ever started out in a relationship with someone and wonder when you will know it’s really love? How do you know if that woman or man loves you? Do you even know what true love is really like? These are some of the questions I think most of us wonder about when we start dating someone and it’s going well after a few months. I know it’s something that I had to find out. I’ll be honest with you (yeah you reading this post lol) I'm not the type of girl that just falls in and out of Love. My definition of Love transcends those butterfly feelings that one gets when they spend quality time with the person they are dating. So I wanted to know in my heart and in my mind a way I could know that what I had with my guy was real. Here's my definition of Love and how most people get caught up in what they think is Love. Hey, it may just help you to figure out if your girlfriend/boyfriend really does Love you or if you really love that person also.

What I hope to accomplish my the end of this Love Post lol is to

(a) Define Love, (b)Knowing what isn’t Love, (c)How do you know when you’re in love?

Ok I would like to begin by saying that I’m no expert. I think that Love is wonderful and we all long to be in a relationship that will bring us joy even when things get tough. However, I feel like a lot of us run around wanting to be loved and we tend to get ourselves into relationships that end up hurting us or someone else. Sometimes we carry some of the hurt, and pain into our next relationship and it becomes a vicious cycle.

Why don’t we start off with defining love? I went online and looked up love on a dictionary website (dictionary.com) and this is what it said:

Love: [luhv](n)
1. a profoundly tender, passionate affection for another person.
2. a feeling of warm personal attachment or deep affection, as for a parent, child, or friend.
3. sexual intercourse or sexual passion
4. a personification of sexual affection
5. to embrace and kiss (someone), as a lover.
6. affectionate concern for the well-being of others: the love of one's neighbor.
7.the benevolent affection of God for His creatures, or the reverent affection due from them to God

I don’t know about you but I thought this list was rather fascinating. So why don’t we play a little game on how love is defined by saying Love equals (=) and add that definition above

Love=Passionate Affection, affection is a feeling
Love=Feeling attachment/affection aka feelings again
Love=Sex
Love=Sex
Love=Hugging and Kissing
Love=Concern for others (feelings of affection with action) loving your neighbor
Love=Comes from God that He gives and we return to him.

WOW what a list right. Ok the first two have to do with feelings and next three are physical and the last two essentially have something to do with God.

I don’t know about you, but if I had to use 1-5 to figure out if my man loves me based on just feelings he says he has then everyone is in Love lol People can say that they love you but it may not be true. A lot of people can feel affection because you are attracted to that person. But is that really love? As for sex, well we know tons of people have sex for a lot of reasons and many don’t even claim to love the person they are having sex with. So I’m not convinced that love is sex, hugs, and kisses. All that can possibly come from the attraction you physically feel when you are with or thinking about the person which isn’t love.

Now we’re left with the last two options. Ok you may not be a person who believes in God. However, since this definition mentions God I think it would be worth it to glance at the Bible to find out what love is. The Bible says that God is Love. He is the author of love. So if you want to know what Love is all about you’d have to find out who God is and you can definitely read about God in the Bible which I call God's Love Letter (click there for my previous post)

Love is defined in the Bible as the following in 1Corinthians13:4

Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres. Love never fails.

The description perfectly fits God's love toward us, and should be the way we love each other and God. What I noticed about this definition is that there’s no mention of physical attraction, sex, or having passionate feelings. If not those things, then what does it say love is supposed to be like.

Love=Patience, Kindness these are not things that you feel, but things that you see that the person is exhibiting through actions.

Love=Rejoices in Truth which means that if someone says something and you can see through actual evidence that it is true then that’s an indication of Love on their part

Love=Always Protects, Trusts, Hopes Perseveres, Never Fails

I know that we are not perfect people. No one can perfectly meet everything on this list without God helping us to do so since he is the author of love. However, if you are trying to figure out if you love someone or if that someone loves you. Please PLEASE PLEASE look at their actions. See if what they say matches up with what they DO. Actions speak louder than words. I am not saying that words don’t speak loud..lol But Actions speak LoudER!

So if you want to know if you are in love. Don’t depend on sex, passionate feelings or attachment to someone because that stuff can only entertain you for maybe 3months, 6months, maybe a year. But you will know if it’s love if both of you tell each other the truth, you will trust each other, you both will be patient and kind, you will want to protect each other from all kinds of hurt meaning you feel hurt when they get hurt, and it’ll be something that you hope will go through the test of time (perseveres.) Only time will tell you all these things so don’t rush into anything. If it’s true love then you’ll get through hardships, trials, or tough times together because you want the love that doesn’t give up and never fails.

Before I wrap up I also want to point out what LOVE IS NOT (≠) according to the author of Love (God).

Love ≠ does not envy- being envious means that someone can be jealous, spiteful, resentful towards you

Love ≠ does not boast- being boastful means that you’re showing off things about yourself, and saying all you have to offer all the time

Love ≠is not proud aka prideful- is also connected to boasting about yourself, pumping yourself up or telling that person they are lucky to have them in your life

Love ≠ is not rude- we all know what being rude is which is being discourteous, impolite, vulgar, offensive, having no manners towards you

Love ≠is not self-seeking- only looking out for yourself love is about looking outside of yourself and looking out for someone else.

Love ≠is not easily angered- meaning getting upset very very quickly. It doesn’t say you can’t get upset. It says that you don’t get mad at the drop of a dime.

Love ≠no record of wrongs- You shouldn’t have a long list of things he/she has done wrong and throwing that stuff in their face. Love is about true forgiveness. If you can’t forgive then you don’t love the person or vice versa.

Love ≠ does not delight in evil- that means anyone who is hurting you physically, emotionally, mentally that is not love its being evil or wicked. Love is not supposed to HURT!!

So there you have it Ladies and Gentlemen. There’s your checklist that I hope you can use. Write it down on a piece of paper. Watch the actions of the person you are dating and see if it matches up. Oh and don’t forget to use the checklist to figure out if you love that person based on your actions after you have spent some serious time with that person. Sure you can have sexual attraction, you can have butterflys, you can certainly have a great time hugging and kissing. Those things are fleeting. But when you have a problem will sex, butterflys and empty words of affection really be there for you. Maybe for a short while you think it can help you forget the problem. However, if you are interested in true love that comes from the author of Love (God) I think you’ll have a better chance of having a wonderful relationship that will last for a long time. Sure it will be work. I never said it would be easy…But love is definitely worth it..If its real love.

I hope this helps and that God will teach you the love He has so that you can demonstrate that to someone else. Ask him, he’s always there to listen.

Thanks for reading!!

Just_Wondering

Is it Love? Part 2

Claire walked out of the office building where she worked in a daze. She could not believe what just happened. She got laid off. When her supervisor called her into his office, she thought he wanted to discuss a new project that he proposed during the last staff meeting. However, as he told her that the company needed downsizing due to product sales going down causing him to make some cuts from staff. After those words reached her ears, she could only see his lips moving in disbelief. How could this happen during a time in which she had so many financial responsibilities? How was she going to pay for her rent, car note, electric/cell/gas bill, student loans that seemed never ending and the good ole cable bill?

As she rode the train home to her apartment in Corona, Claire started to worry. Tears started to stream down her face as she began to ponder on what she was supposed to do now that her back was up against the wall. As she cried, she said a silent prayer to God saying how she needed Him to come quickly to comfort and help direct her steps as she did not know what she would do to keep her head above water. Claire reached into her bag for a tissue wiping away her tears. She suddenly realized that people around her may be wondering why she was so distraught. Her stop came. She rose from her seat and got out of the train station. As she walked home she called her mother, sister, best friend and told them what happened. They said some encouraging words which brought her some comfort. When she got home, she said another prayer as she crawled into her bed hoping that this would all go away.

A few hours had passed as Claire’s cell phone rang on her night stand. She looked at the phone and saw that it was one of her favorite people to speak with. Her highlight…His name was Daniel Earton… In that moment, Claire really did not feel like talking. So she ignored the call and let it go to voicemail. She pulled the covers over her shoulders and went back to sleep.

Daniel had been emailing Claire from work as they often communicated via the internet throughout the day. However, for some reason the emails stopped around 10:30am. He was somewhat puzzled wondering if he had said something wrong to have upset her, but his last few responses could only bring a smile to her face. He was called into a meeting and it ran a lot longer than expected. When he returned to his desk and checked his email, she had not responded all day. He started to become concerned and called her job and they said that she had left early for the day. So Daniel called her on his way to the parking lot and when she didn’t answer he said, “Hey Sweety, I noticed that you haven’t returned my emails today and when I called your office they said that you went home early. Is everything ok? Please call me, ok Babe..bye”

Daniel had a long drive home and as he pulled into his driveway all he could think about was Claire. He wondered why she had not called back by now. He tried calling her again only to find that it went straight to voicemail. Although, he lived 45mins away from her, he pulled right back out and headed towards her apartment complex. As he rang the doorbell he was hoping that his girl was ok.

Claire heard the doorbell ring, but she didn’t want to get up even though she knew she had to. She was thinking it was her sister stopping by to check up on her. But when Claire opened the door…It was Daniel.

Daniel took one look at Claire and new something was not right. Not only was Claire’s hair disheveled but judging from the wrinkles in her clothing, it was obvious that she didn’t bother to change before lying down. What gave her state of mind away were her sad eyes. Those are not the eyes that he was used to staring into.

“Claire what’s wrong? Tell me what happened?”

Claire walked away from him without responding and left the door open for him to enter the living room. She sat down on the couch as a flood of feelings began to invade her entire body. She started to cry. Daniel closed the door and when he heard her crying he felt paralyzed for a few seconds. He had never seen Claire like this before and immediately went to hold her while she cried on his shoulder. Claire didn’t have the words to explain and she felt helpless in his arms. After a couple of minutes she, told him what happened.

Daniel began to reassure her that things would be okay, and that she had to have faith that everything was going to turn around. For the next three months, Daniel did everything he could to help Claire get through this trial. He came over at least twice a week after work helping Claire figure out her finances so that she could pay for all her bills. Daniel helped her fix up her resume and spent time referring her to websites that listed openings in her field. They even did some mock interviews as she had not been on an interview for the past 5 years and felt nervous. He knew that she was smart, and determined to find another position as she spent hours online looking for a job. She was going to job fairs and even got dressed up to drop her resume at a couple of companies.

It took six months before she landed a position at a prestigious company in the city. When she got the call from the HR department that she got the position she said a prayer of thanksgiving. Not only did she land a new job but she was going to be making ten thousand dollars more than she was making at her old job. She immediately called her sister and mother. She decided to hold off on calling Daniel as he was headed over to her apartment to drop off some job listing information she left at his house.

As she got some dinner ready for the both of them, she began to remember what it had felt like to lose her job and how she was able to make ends meet during the past six months. It was a miracle. Then she realized how much time Daniel had dedicated to supporting and helping her throughout the entire process and she was moved to tears.

Daniel rang the doorbell and when Claire opened the door, she saw her eyes. They seemed to light up and it’s something he had in a while. He missed them so much. She smiled and said “I GOT THE JOB!!!!” He rushed to embrace her and lifted her off her feet and said “YESSSSS!! I’m so happy for you baby!!” as he silently thanked God in his heart.

So I ask you this, Is this Love? If so, how do you know? If not, tell me why not?

Thanks for Reading…

Just_Wondering

Is it Love? Part 1

As Sheila placed her head on her pillow she closed her eyes thinking about the events of her day. Some parts seemed to flash forward and other thoughts lingered on the very moments that she knew she would never forget. You see Sheila had woken up that morning from that same bed anticipating the events of the day. Maybe to you it wasn't very interesting, but to her there was one highlight that made her feel like the bubbles in a champagne bottle right before the cork is released. That feeling..you know...that excitement that you can't quite describe. Well Sheila couldn't wait to get started. She hopped in the shower, “lotioned up” and then moved along her morning routine of unraveling her hair so each roller would reveal an array of perfect curls. After she got dressed she knew she was on her way to having a perfect day.

Sheila's doorbell rang thirty minutes after she finished getting ready. She felt flustered. A warm feeling of joy filled her as she opened the door. This was one moment where she lingered on in her memory that night. Her highlight had come. His name was James, James Cadet.

James saw Sheila and couldn't help but smile after she had opened the door. He wondered what was it about this woman that made him feel like nothing could possibly ruin his day as long as she was in his presence.

He said, “Hey, I came to pick up my girl Sheila, I know this is her house but I think I'm looking at someone who looks better then her. Forget Sheila, what's your name?”

As James said this to Sheila, he waited for that moment. It’s that moment when he knows her eyes will light up and the beauty of her smile seems to always be one of the bests things to see every single time he's with her. Sheila swats him on the arm and looks up into his eyes as she receives a kiss and a warm embrace. Sheila still cannot get over how good it feels to be held by him. James envelopes her body knowing just how good she feels and smells every time he goes in for a hug.

The events of the next few hours seemed to flash forward as they left Sheila's house and headed towards the apple orchard. Sheila had never been apple picking as she was a bonafide city girl. However, when James suggested this to her, she thought it was a wonderful idea.As Sheila begins to close her eyes that night her thoughts lingered on her favorite bits and pieces of her experience. James teasing her as she tried to reach an apple and realized she couldn't do it.

“Dag Sheila you have some serious height issues going on there. It’s a good thing you're dating a tall brother like me or you'd be going home with 2-3 apples in you bag!!”

She started laughing, demanded his help as he reached over and grabbed several apples from the tree. She remembered moments like him grabbing her hand as they moved along deeper in the orchard. The way he laughed when she was trying to be serious and he would try to break her concentration by saying something funny. The way he would look at her intently as she told a story from her past.

James loved to watch her facial expressions whenever they were having a conversation. He was guilty of taking in her beauty as she spoke, however he knew if he lingered to long he'd miss out on what she was saying. He felt amazing when she would occasionally stop and realize they weren't holding hands and she'd reach out and grab his.

James kisses Shelia goodbye, gets one more whiff of her hair during an extended hug and tells her “Goodnight, Lelia” and walks to his car to drive home. As they both get ready for bed, as Shelia drifts off to sleep their thoughts lead to this...I think its Love…

Do you think they are in Love? How do you know when you're in Love?